Football Counter-Programming 2023: Week 1

 

What time is it?

It's Counter-Programming time!

College Football is on the air this week--trying to sneak games into the weekdays and thinking I wouldn't notice. But the jokes on it. I'm once again beginning my ever-successful efforts to make you do/think something other than watch college football. 

Don't think I've been successful over the last few years? 

Well, look at what my efforts have actually done! I've single-handedly destroyed the conference structure that governed college football for generations. Who did it? Me, that's who. College football is an operation in name only. It's just football. I'm whittling it down bit by bit with slow and steady and unrelenting pressure. Just like a tiny drop of water working it way through a crack in a concrete dam. Soon I'll bust it open from the inside and the whole superstructure will come fall down and the attention span of millions of sports fans will sweep across the national landscape like floodwaters searching for new level ground. And who will be their new messiah in their time of need?!

***

Lynda walked in a few moments ago and asked what I was "looking at." I told her that I was writing a blog post. She made a surprised noise and then said "Huh. Can't remember the last time you did that." But she has fallen asleep like everyone else. I'm still here and still pushing. The dam is weakening!

***

Remember in the earliest days of WWYG?! when I tracked celebrity deaths. Just as a thing to do. And I usually made a comedic (??) reference to whether or not the death in question was part of some master plan of Tom Cruise. Because in the end, there can be only one. And let's be honest. I'll probably be Tom Cruise.

Well, what do you think Cruise had against Jimmy Buffett? (Not that I am any sort of fan of Margaritaville the restaurant chain or Buffett's particular version of Anglo-Caribbean kick back and drink music. (Is that it's genre?) 

My working theory on a Saturday morning? The plot for the next James Bond movie somehow involved a stop over in the Caribbean. And the film's producers had already gotten the necessary tax breaks and government approvals from the various nations of the region. 

But everything still had to be rubberstamped by the main Parrothead himself. And Cruise heard that the final approvals were imminent. So he stepped in (in the most Cruise-like extreme way) to single-handedly derail the movie's progress. Because just as their can be only one celebrity standing, there can be only one spy thriller movie franchise standing. 

And Cruise will make sure that it is Mission: Impossible. He's literally killing himself to make it possible. And if he is willing to do that to himself, then what will he do to others to get what he wants? Broccoli family, you should have been on notice long before now. But keep one eye open at night going forward. 

Cruise is out there.

So . . . that's it for this week.

Have you been sufficiently Counter-Programmed?!? 

What else will you be doing today instead of cheering on the team that has already spent your tuition/alumni money. (It won't even pay for the towels in the weight room these days.) Go pick some apples, drink a bit of iced cider. Dig out the sweater vests you stored away in April. You're gonna be needing them soon.

And remember that your alma mater doesn't need you. It just needs to stay of Mr. Cruise's good side.

Until next week!

WWYG Old School Review: Top Gun--Maverick

Let's do this Old School (or as my friend EH said back when WWYG?! was a regularly going concern--"Let's kick it Old Style") and review the trailer for Tom Cruise's new death wish Top Gun: Maverick.

As with all Tom Cruise movie vehicles of the past decade, the persistent storyline of the movie promotion is that he does his own stunts. This has been said about him since the Mission: Impossible 2 days when he was beginning the movie by free climbing some rock face. So, after three seconds of watching a video where people were hyping TG: Maverick, they pointed out that Cruise is piloting these jets himself.

And so that makes you wonder how well he's trained to do this?
And what is the insurance policy on this film like?
And where are these highly technical and very expensive jets coming from that we can just hand some over to Tom Cruise like it's a financial rounding error and nobody is gonna worry about it?

(But please, remind me how we don't have money in this country to properly give asylum seekers adequate food and housing or that we can't really afford to battle climate change. Sure.)

Everything for the all-mighty God of Cinema! Please Tom Cruise, switch to guns and hammer my heart with your nostalgia bullets!

(This isn't really a review as much as a sequence of Twitter posts collected together under a thematic heading.)

But what is there to review? If you've seen Top Gun--and I can only think of four people I personally know who definitively have not--then you've already seen this movie. As far as the trailer goes, all it is doing is reminding us of what Top Gun was back in the Reagan '80s and giving it to us again. In fact, I assume that the world premiere of this movie in 2020 will just happen at the Republican National Convention and that Tom Cruise himself will rappel on stage from the rafters of the Charlotte, North Carolina Spectrum Center to nominate Donald Trump.

Back to the trailer.
Are they saving the dramatic reveal of Meg Ryan? Was Kelly McGillis even approached? Or is Tom waiting to unleash his latest hit on them to gather all of the nostalgia feelings for himself alone? See Hollywood--I know how to manipulate nostalgia as well! I used to say all the same that Tom Cruise was Insane when celebrities died. Yet even though he's increasingly involving himself in dangerous stuff, I don't worry about his safety anymore. The movie is already made. If Tom died during filming we'd know. Unless Hollywood really does own cloning technology so advanced?*

And maybe Hollywood does since it keeps cloning old ideas in new guises?

So I guess I don't know how to feel about this movie. Intellectually I want to reject it and demand new things. But I didn't go see Jupiter Rising did I? And I didn't go see Mortal Engines either did I? So I am for sure part of the problem. And if I am not squarely the demographic that Top Gun: Maverick was made for . . . then just put me on my ice floe right now and push me off into the ocean.

So, go ahead Tom! Inject your 80s nostalgia directly into my cerebellum!

* This is an oblique reference to a very distant early 2000s era Web site called "Damn Hell Ass Kings" that talked about entertainment, TV, and celebrity culture. I spent too long trying to find any evidence of its existence on the Internet and found nothing. I am confident the URL is dead and all of the content has evaporated. It's a shame. It would have worked really well within my theme of nostalgia. But if anyone knows how to find that site, let me know!

Best of 2018

Hey, no one asked, but I'm going to give you a list of the things that I liked most in 2018--and I'm not going to divide things out into categories such as movies, television, performances, or whatever.

I'm lumping everything together into a single list of the things that I liked the most and try my best to give them a ranking of worst to best--or maybe just from least worthy to most worthy (because all of this stuff is great.)

Let's get this started!

10. SHAVING MY BEARD (personal facial choice)

I've surprised myself with how much I've enjoyed being clean-shaven in the last few months of this year. Sure, it is more work to tidy up in the morning than it used to be. But getting that grey off my face has improved my inner outlook about myself.

9. EMMA STONE (actress)

I felt like Emma Stone did five different things this year. But that is probably because I stop flipping channels whenever I see her and stop to watch. I really did enjoy Maniac on Netflix. (It felt like a weird cousin to the already weird Legion, even though neither had anything to do with each other.) And I caught up on 2017's Battle of the Sexes this year and really liked her performance as Billie Jean King.

I put her here because I think I've decided that I just like her lots and wanted to spend a bit of time celebrating her in 2018.

8. BLACKKKLANSMAN (Spike Lee movie)

As a placeholder, I had Incredibles 2 and Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse as two movies that I anticipated and enjoyed greatly this year. And these two movies are definitely On Brand for me. But when I did a quick search for 2018 movies, I was reminded that I saw Spike Lee's movie BlackKKlansman this summer. And it's no feel-good movie. But no other movie made me cry for its final ten minutes either.

HARRY POTTER PODCASTS (a. Mallory Rubin and Jason Concepcion, The Ringer podcast network & b. Vanessa Zoltan and Casper ter Kuile, formerly on the Panoply Network and now moving to Patreon)

7. (b) Harry Potter and the Sacred Text  

The Sacred Text podcast team has also been a favorite of mine for several years. In 2018 they finished Goblet of Fire and have been walking through Order of the Phoenix chapter-by-chapter. Their divinity school training, textural and spiritual interpretive practises, their compassionate insights, and guests make each episode something new.

6. (a) Binge Mode: Harry Potter Binge Mode first hit the scene a few years ago when Mallory and Jason went through every episode of the HBO series Game of Thrones and also expounded on how much they loved George R.R. Martin's novels. Once they were done with that marathon, they teased listeners with the equally gargantuan task of diving into their deep love of J.K. Rowling's novels as well as their views on the growing movie franchise. The HP focus started this summer and as the end of the year approaches, they still aren't done. But their insights and fun are worth the time and the wait.

5. ATLANTA (FX, hiatus between season 2 and season 3)

If you spend any time watching quality television, you don't need me to tell you how good Atlanta is. Always great storytelling. Frequently great photography. Excellent, surprising acting. If you haven't seen the Teddy Perkins episode, give yourself 45 minutes to get really creeped out by one of the most unexpected episodes of television you'll never be able to imagine.

4. HAVING KIDS (perpetual commitment)

As you probably know, Sarah moved out for college this fall. And even though we see her quite often (she's only 15 miles downtown), it is nice to watch her explore this new space and search for herself more directly. It's nice to catch up on the weekends and get a glimpse of the good (and sometimes bad) things that she is facing on her own.

And that is only her! Grace is so busy with school, extracurriculars, and a bevy of friends. She makes me so proud every day for how she sees and moves in the world. She is simply excellent.

And then there is Hannah, who doesn't deserve to be listed last every time because she is always challenging my parental comforts--reminding me to not be complacent with my parenting, to stay engaged, to respond to her curiosity and her energy; reminding me that this is HER first time through these challenges and I need to treat them with the same level of commitment and excitement that she deserves. She's still figuring out who she is and she's helping me remind myself of who I want to be.

3. KILLING EVE (BBC America, season 2 going on right now) 

Full disclosure on this one. I didn't start watching the first season of this show until Last Night. Other media critics told me that it was really good and once I finally got around to verifying it, I could not have been happier. I knew very quickly that it was going on my list right away. I have a fondness of spy shows and I definitely like shows with a sense of humor. This show handles both elements so well. And I can't highly recommend it more strongly. You should watch it.

2. ADVENTURE ZONE (The McElroy Brothers, Maximum Fun podcast network, biweekly)

I knew of the McElroy's before this year and even before I started liking their content. But I didn't really become a fan until sometime in the spring or summer of 2018. And while I'm about a decade behind on their flagship MBMBAM (My Brother, My Brother, and Me) podcast I entered the 'verse by binding through The Adventure Zone--first the Balance arc and now listening to the Amnesty arc. The McElroys are first and foremost funny. But they are also sweet and humane and likable guys. They are creative and energetic and just fun to experience. Really, really great!

1. KIDDING (Showtime, hiatus between season 1 and season 2)

I tweeted a lot about this show when I was watching it. So you might not be surprised to see this one high on my list. I can't think of another show or media experience that so surprised me this year. I knew that I liked the pairing of Michael Gondry and Jim Carrey (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and I was intrigued to see Carrey back in the spotlight after I had watched the documentary about his struggles in recent years. And I liked the idea of him playing a Fred Rogers-esque children show host. What I wasn't ready for was the heart and the compassion that was shown in this show, even when it was wrapped around a lot of individually-bad behavior and choices. There are several flawed people on this show--definitely including Carrey's Mr. Pickles. But the way that Pickles tries to make others see the good in each other and find the good in himself was really touching.

The World's Oldest Teenager No More

When I first heard the news yesterday, I was a bit sad, sure. But he didn't mean as much to me as he did to my parent's generation (or to Ryan Seacrest). But, he was an important cultural figure that helped define and promote the postwar Youth Generation that has come to shape a lot of what modern America is about.

So, he had that going for him.

But what I really though about, of course, was why did Tom do it this time?

Credit: www.hollywood.com

You might have thought that Tom was done. I haven't reported (some say speculated) on his actions in a very long time. Did we both take each other for granted? Maybe . . . but when a high profile target like this one goes, people are going to talk and wonder and . . . well, yes . . . let's just say they are going to speculate.

So maybe Tom is getting ready to flip the DVD sales of Mission Impossible IV: Ghost Protocol into his next project. And maybe he thinks that he wants to do a biopic. And well, why NOT the World's Oldest Teenager. Maybe Tom has acquired some interesting back stories of the real Mr. Clark that no one but Seacrest was privy to. (I'm thinking something along the lines of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, you know?) Maybe Tom knows things, man! And maybe, just maybe, Dick didn't want those things known.

And, well, Dick was already sick you know . . . and Tom's movie idea was just too good. (Maybe it's even good enough for an Oscar consideration, right? And we all know that Tom is still waiting for that Oscar. It should have worked for Jamie Fox as Ray, Tom thinks. But I'm better than Jamie. I'll do it better. I'll get my production company to team up with the old Miramax guys and we'll do it up big time. There's no way they will deny me this time . . . as long as Dick is out of the picture.)

And then . . . well . . .

Rest in Peace (with your iPhone) Mr. Curtis

Last week famous actor Tony Curtis died.

Reason?

Well, the news says that it was a result of cardiac arrest. Pretty cut and dried.

But we all know who really did it . . . and why. HE just could stand any other famous people in Hollywood using his initials to garner competing levels of fame. (Watch out Tom Cavanaugh!)

And the very recent new of Mr. Curtis being buried with his iPhone is additionally suspicious, don't you think? Maybe there were incriminating cell phone photos of the death that might have been difficult for Tom to deal with. Much better to get his own crack propaganda team to gin up the odd idea that Tony was such a fan of his iPhone that he could NEVER, EVER (even in the beyond!) be parted from it.

Seems implausible.

I hope you are paying attention Roger E. Mosley!

Tom Strikes Back: 80s Edition

As you certainly know by now, the following celebrities died in recent weeks:

Gary Coleman

Rue McClanahan

and Dennis Hopper.

Mr. Coleman was "Arnold," McClanahan was "Blanche," and Hopper was (to me at least) "Frank."

The saying goes that Hollywood deaths come in threes. My saying goes that Tom Cruise's intermittant anger can never be predicted accurately. He hasn't lashed out at anyone for many months. So many months that you might have been lulled into complacency and comfort.

But the events of recent days should serve as a warning to you to never truly let your guard down. Tom may act out at any time.

"But wait," you may say. "You always have a theory. Something that ties them all together. How can you possibly tie together the chld star of Diff'rent Strokes, Golden Girls, and Easy Rider/Apocolypse Now/Blue Velvet?"

Part of the answer is right there in front of you--Tom loved the '80s and so did these three actors . . . may they rest in peace. None of them had such cultural impact and widescale success as in the 1980s, including Mr. Cruise. Sure, Tom has done quite well for himself in the 1990s and early 2000s but we all know that without his success in the 1980s we would have a better chance of celebrating William Mapother right now than Katie Holmes' husband.

So, Tom wanted to clear out some of the 1980s competiton. (Are you changing the locks on your windows Mr. Hanks?) But just as important as that, Tom was experimenting with Method acting.

Let me explain.

We all know that Mr. Cruise has been nominated for Academy Awards in the past. And we also know that he has failed to win the golden statue. Furthermore, we know that his greatest cinematic success in the last few years has been the few minutes of screen time in which he portrayed foul-mouthed studio executive Les Grossman in the movie Tropic Thunder. He won such good will for that role, in which he submerged himself into a character so carefully--and with the aid of quality makeup and other cinematic prosthetics--that some people didn't even realize it was Cruise in the role.

This was a revelation to Tom.

You see, a common criticism of Cruise's undeniably successful films in the past was that no matter who he was playing, you always knew that it was Tom Cruise on the screen. But in the case of Les Grossman, he managed to establish some cinematic distance between himself and the audience. This was such an important discovery to Cruise that he began investigating Method acting. This style of acting preparation encourages the actor to give oneself completely to the character, submerging into the fiction both on and off set until the job is done. In this way, the actor can best understand the character and present a "realistic" performance that is cinematically authentic.

As a new proponent (and a bit untested in the style), Tom's Method needs some work. And it is due to this uncertainty that Stars of the 80s were punished.

For, you see, Tom Cruise resubmerged himself in the character of Les Grossman recently to perform commercial bits and promotional moments for the MTV Video Music Awards. To get back into character, he turned his mind over to the Grossman characteristics of extreme arrogance, foul-mouthed pomposity, and general bad dude. In this guise, Cruise's nature of personal uncertainty was combined with "Grossman's" arrogance into a volatile, murderous mix.

You've been warned.

Murder most foul, as in the best it is, But this most foul, strange, and unnatural.

(That's from Hamlet, by the way.)

I settled down to work on Monday morning, creating To Do lists, checking emails, shuffling papers from one pile to another, drinking coffee, being a busy little worker bee.

And then I got a phone call.

I don't usually get too many phone calls, and when I do get them, people accuse me of just waking up from a nap because my phone persona lacks that verve that you can only get with a one-on-one LIVE David experience. So, I've grown to be hesitant to using the phone. But since it was ringing and all, I guess I had to pick it up. Besides, my cubicle mates don't need to suffer due to my phoneaphobia.

I picked it up and the conversation went something like this, though I am sure to be paraphrasing it a week after the fact.

"David Martin?"
"Yes, this is he."
"My name is Jason Tanner. Have you seen the news today?"
"Um . . . no." [Now I'm trying to think to myself . . . who is Jason Tanner? An old high school friend? A contact at a vendor that I worked with a few years ago? And why the weird question about the news?]

Jason goes on to tell me that he works with me at our place of employment. He has only been working there for about two months. But according to the news that Monday morning, I was responsible for his death.

Now, THIS is a surprise to me . . . and apparently to him as well.

Jason had been receiving concerned phone calls and worried visits to his desk all morning long. And in the conversations where he explained that, no, he had not been in a fight and shot, people remarked that there was someone else in my department with the same name as the accused gunman. Since Jason and I did not know each other and it was a remarkable coincidence that the two of us worked in the same building (but neither of us was involved in the shooting incident that occurred in our city of residence), he got my number and gave me a call.

Once all of this was explained to me, I immediately apologized to Jason for shooting him and we wished each other well. He sent me the link to the news story above and I looked up his picture in the company database.

It was all quite odd. I half expected the Human Resources department to call me halfway through the day and ask me probing questions under a heat lamp. I also wondered why people were calling Jason, all concerned that he had been killed, but no one called me to ask why I did it. No one wondered what had driven me to murderous rage at a bar. Were they afraid of me? Were they afraid that they would be next?

Of course, I tweeted about the entire affair and then I tried to go about my business, feeling sorry for the other Jason Tanner who had died from the fight.

But it got me thinking. Something like this would make for a good movie, right? A serious case of mistake identity. Something like Vertigo or that Gwyneth Paltrow movie with the subway train. Of course the screenplay would need to be written by Charlie Kaufman since he's quite adept at handing the twisty logic of misplaced identity and unknown personalities.

Later in the week I got an email that said that my very own nemesis Jason Tanner would be filling in on my project in the upcoming week. And that is when it truly hit me what was going on here.

First, there was a story about a person (me, or someone with my name) living in my town that killed someone I didn't know. How could I be accused of committing a murder, especially a murder of someone I didn't even know for a reason I could not even begin to guess?

Is it starting to sound familiar to you yet? Are you understanding the plot?

And then . . . I find out that I don't YET know the victim, but I soon will become acquainted with him in the future!

Are you there yet? Can you see what is happening?

Yep. I'm staring in Minority Report, a futuristic murder mystery directed by Steven Spielberg and starring . . . TOM CRUISE!

When I made that observation, it all made sense. Tom Cruise was setting me up. He was using the plot of one of his own films to discredit me and all of the (FUN-LOVING!) accusations I've made about his murderous rage over the years.

By making ME a murderer, Cruise hopes to deflect away from the leads I've uncovered. He hopes to ensure his own safety.

But this post can also be my anchor to protection. I've laid it out there for everyone. If anything should happen to me, remember this. I didn't do it. You KNOW I didn't do it. And now the blame is pointed back at Cruise.

We pray for Peter Jackson's safety

In a worrisome bit of news, I read on Slashfilm.com that Peter Jackson met with Tom Cruise recently. The article speculates a lot about what this might mean, suggesting all sorts of film possibilities--from a part in PJ's executive producer The Hobbit films that are being developed by Guellermo del Toro right now, to TinTin, to a District 9 sequel, to who knows what all.

The point is that if Peter Jackson doesn't placate Mr. Cruise in a satisfying way, his continued existence on this earth is in definite jeopardy. So, for the sake of all of your fans out there, Mr. Jackson . . . heck, for the sake of the tourist industry of the entire nation of New Zealand . . . you must give Mr. Cruise WHAT HE WANTS!

If he wants to embrace his short stature and take on the role of Bilbo Baggins . . . LET HIM!

If he want his daughter Suri to audition for the role of Dwarf king Thorin Oakenshield . . . LET HIM!

If he wants you to be the director on Mission Impossible IV! . . . SAY YES!

Go along to get along . . . and more importantly to keep breathing.

You don't want to make him angry! Just ask any number of deceased members of the Hollywood cadre.

Please?

Thanks.

So much for the awesome power of orange oil

Well Tom, no one said you weren't clever.

You'd have to be to avoid detection this long. I'm sure you figured out that the death of Michael Jackson would provide suitable cover for your latest act of celebriticide. And you are right. MTV and VH1 have been running videos all weekend.

What was it that set you off this time Tom?

Has Suri been making lots of messes around the house? Believe me, Tom, I know how messy kids can be. Did you hear Katie complaining that the Oxi Clean wasn't getting the grass stains out of Suri's dress hose? Was the OrangeGlo not keeping the wood furniture dust-free? Or was it simply Billy's excessive pointing and shouting that gave Suri nightmares all the time?

Tom, we were all a bit uncomfortable with Billy's pitch style. And we've all had to face the disappointment of exaggerated expectations (like, um "Valkyrie" or maybe "The Last Samurai"). But you can afford to buy new clothes for Suri if they don't come clean. And you can hire maids to dust every day if need be.

Murder isn't the answer to ALL of your problems, Tom.

Take a rest please. Ron Popiel can't get a food night's sleep anymore.

-- Posted From My iPhone (so, I apologize in advance for any typos I missed)

Tom, Ed, Farrah, and Michael

Image via Wikipedia

Normally when celebrities die, I take a few days to try and make connections. (Really, I do.) And they aren't often obvious or easy to see. You see, as I've argued before, Tom Cruise is crafty when he gets in one of his murderin' moods. It's rare that one of Tom's acts of aggression displays an easy connection between the person passing on and the reason for Mr. Cruise's anger.

But, today is not a day to indulge in careful evidence turning. For today, Mr. Cruise unleashed his fury on two of American celebrity royalty. I'm not--of course--suggesting that Cruise went out and dispatched these two today. He's far too practiced at this sort of thing to be that sloppy. Certainly his plans were set in motion a while back and I'm quite confident that he didn't WANT both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson to die on the same day. For doing so would naturally raise more questions that he wanted raised.

But he slipped up, and so we must search for the clues that incriminate him. We must understand why his dormant anger was unleashed upon the Grande Dame of 70s sex and the 80s King of Pop.

What do we know about Farrah? Well, I know that my next door neighbor had that poster. And we know that she was battling "cancer" for a while now. Those are obvious facts. But what you might NOT know is that Farrah made two critical mistakes. 1) She was the owner of one of Celebrity's Greatest Smiles (see that poster link again). And 2) she starred in a TV movie called Nazi Hunter: The Beate Klarsfeld Story. Tom Cruise is also the owner of an impressive smile--all enormous teeth and vibrant commitment to the happiness. And only one such smile can survive in Celebrity Land at any one time. Additionally, when Cruise's latest movie Valkyrie (in which he plays his own brand of Nazi hunter, leading a plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler) performed poorly in the domestic box office . . . well, you can connect those quite obvious dots as well as I, can't you?

It's a shame that Tom had to blame Farrah for his career downfalls. She just wanted to find away to live her own life at this point, trying in her own way to find a way out of the shadow of Charlie's Angels.

Now, what about Michael Jackson? His death came as a much greater shock. He has been battling legal issues for years and even moved his family out of the country to find some peace. But what could he have done to anger Tom? Was Tom planning a Beatles movie, featuring himself as John Lennon perhaps? Was he not aware that Jacko had lost his control over the Beatles music? Did Tom make a mistake?

Unlikely.

Rather, I think Tom felt that Micheal's many years of plastic surgery was threatening a filmic niche that Cruise had carved out for himself. Did he feel that Jacko's more publicized facial alterations were upstaging his own? Perhaps. Who can truly understand the mind of a mad man?

The forgotten man in all of this is Ed McMahon. They say that Hollywood deaths always occur in threes, so naturally we can assume that Tom Cruise operates in a similar fashion. Can we figure out why Mr. Cruise wanted to off the Ultimate Second Banana? Maybe Tom wanted to turn some of his gold into cash . . . or maybe he thinks Suri is a talented singer, but McMahon refused to revive Star Search to satisfy the unbalanced Cruise's desire to turn his daughter into a pop sensation.

All I can say is that Hollywood sleeps uneasily tonight.

Tom is back with a vengeance. And this time--as it is each and every time--it's personal. (You've just got to figure out why it's personal to him.)

Question of the Night

I was hanging up a white dress shirt in the closet tonight when it struck me:

Whatever did happen to that scourge of laundry?

Did we start using NASA-influenced, space age fabrics that repelled the (sweat?) stain from around the ring?

Did all laundry detergent companies begin mixing anti-ring component chemicals into their base layer products?

Was it defeated in another component of the Reagan Revolution, but we were too busy watching the Soviet Union fall and forgot to notice?

Did "ring around the collar" (like so many social mores) just become an acceptable part of modern life, embraced by slobs and a younger, more callow generation?

Did Tom Cruise choose to wipe it out by his lonesome, back when he was Good Tom and before the Scientology turned him into murderous Evil Tom? (And speaking of Evil Tom, shouldn't Ed Asner's people be on high alert for the inevitable attempt of Mr. Asner's life following Suri's frightened reaction to the surly cantankerous character Asner voices in Pixar's new movie, Up?)

*****

In other media/video/delayed reaction news, I haven't yet posted the LOST Untangled video finale because I forgot to . . . and because they haven't finished it yet either.

Oscar twittering

I'm throwing down first impressions of the Academy Awards over on Twitter.

Check it out:  www.twitter.com/dtm1971

*****

Uh oh . . . Penelope Cruz has won an Oscar. 

Doesn't bode well for her future survival, re. the Insanity of (former boyfriend) Tom Cruise. She has one but he does not. He won't like that.

In fact, just about everyone in the winner's circle tonight is likely in Tom's cross-hairs in the coming weeks. I hope they have all renewed their insurance policies.

*****

Hmmm. I guess Tina Fey and Steve Martin have rocketed to the front spot in the Tom Cruise hit list. (Psst. Don't make fun of made up religions . . . I you want to live.)

CRUIIIIIISSSEE!!!!!!!

Richard Montelban died on Wednesday.

Fans of Fantasy Island and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan are sad today . . . as are, of course Montelban's family, friends, and colleagues.

Why did Tom Cruise break his winter hibernation to strike down the man behind Khan Noonien Singh and the voice of Kim Possible's Senor Senior, Sr.? Well, I believe it was because of Tropic Thunder.

You see, in Tropic Thunder, Cruise received rave reviews for his energetic and vulgar portrayal of movie studio executive producer Les Grossman. Cruise was so pleased by this outpouring of Hollywood happiness.

But then came the lukewarm acceptance of Valkyrie, Cruise's holiday Nazi flick. (Because nothing says Happy Holidays like Good Nazis trying to eradicate Hitler.) Cruise was angry that his latest Kampf was NOT so well received.

And so he slipped into his murderous fugue state, which in this case hearkened back to his most recent successful part--studio executive.

And what movie studio released Tropic Thunder?

Why, the same studio that released Montelban's signature role as genetics overlord/Kirk-bane, Paramount Pictures.

Tom Cruise hates cheesecake

Why else would he go after Estelle Getty, who died yesterday?

Or perhaps, Scientology has some teaching against mis-representing your age? Does it affect the thetan levels, or make you less clear?

In any case, those of us at work need to watch out. I've seen signs posted around the office for a cheesecake recipe contest. Given this new bit of information, we might want to change the contest to best lemon poppyseed muffin contest.

We don't want to get Tom angry with us.

Is Suri a Wiggles Fan?

Dear Tom:

Why did you do it this time?

The guy was named Kermit Love! He shared a name with a famous puppet frog (coincidence though it was) and his last name was beautiful.

He never did anything to you (that we know of . . .) and all he ever did (that we know of) was create wonderful stuff for kids.

Not only did he create Big Bird's costume, but he even played Willy the Hot Dog salesman on The Street.

sigh

Tom Cruise only laughs at his own jokes.

(See what I mean?)

Rest in peace, Mr. Carlin.

More R.I.P.s

Within the last few weeks Tom Cruise struck again. (And I say this while watching The Firm on TV. Just trying to deflect the coming Cruise-related rage.)

In no particular order:

1. Composer Alexander Courage who made many contributions to the musical world, but is likely most famous for providing the Star Trek theme. If you want to learn a great deal more about Mr. Courage, here is a link to James Lilek's Diner podcast on the topic. Mr. Lileks is a Star Trek fan.

In that same Diner podcast, you will also learn that another composer Earle Hagen--famous for the Dick Van Dyke theme--also passed away about the same time as Courage.

Another famous musician, guitarist Bo Diddley, also passed on within the last few days. Everyone says that he was famous for creating the "Bo Diddley beat," a rhythm that was adopted by just about every famous rock-n-roller since the 1960s . . . but I don't know enough about musical history to say more than that. I knew him best for his Nike commercial with Bo Jackson.

And finally, say goodnight and good luck to famous comedian Harvey Corman. I "knew" Corman best for his many years on the Carol Burnett show--a great favorite of mine when I was young. I later caught up with his more "adult" work on Mel Brooks movies--like in "Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein." But I always liked him best with the comedy troupe on CBS weeknights.

******

So, then the question becomes . . . how did such a wide variety of entertainers run afoul of Crazy Tom?

Well, if I had to guess, I suppose I'd say that a "Star Trek" rerun (and the resultant theme song) awoke Suri from a nap, causing lots of crying and fussing and whatnot.

Earle Hagen? Well, I don't know if the Cruise's watch a lot of Nik at Night, so they might not be seeing any "Dick Van Dyke" reruns. But, its been well-known that Scientologists have a strong dislike of whistling--since it enrages the thetans in the bloodstream and causes air current disturbances that attract unwanted alien attention. And one of Hagan's most famous TV performances is the whistling in the "Andy Griffith Show" theme. So, that daily/sometimes hourly performance was always a ticking time bomb.

Bo Diddley? Well, one of his songs--"She's Fine, She's Mine"--was featured in "The Color of Money," but since everyone thinks of only two things when that movie is mentioned (Paul Newman and Cruise's ridiculous pompadour hair), this didn't bode well for Diddley.

And then there is Corman. I think he simply felt that Corman's inability to prevent breaking character when acting a comedy bit with Tim Conway was an example of unprofessionalism. Such are the mistakes that can end a life.

R.I.P. Sidney Pollack

Famous director and actor Sidney Pollack died earlier this week.

I was prepared to accept the coroner's verdict and chalk his surprisingly sudden death up to cancer. But then I listened to Tuesday's "Fresh Air" podcast, where Terri Gross says that she was caught by surprise when his death was announced. She said that she'd just seen Pollack listed as an ex. producer on HBO's "Recount" movie that was broadcast over the weekend.

Gross is talking to famous people all the time. Surely she would be more aware? Hmmm.

Well, Gross then noted in her brief review of Pollack's career, that he was the director of "The Firm." Uh oh . . . Tom Cruise connection.

Well, you know where this is going.

Yet another example of Mr. Cruise eliminating someone more famous/more successful than him. Pollack won an Oscar for "Out of Africa" and was nominated for his work in "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" and "Tootsie." And though "The Firm" was a hit, it didn't win any Academy Awards. Heck, it benefited John Grisham more than Cruise. (Watch your back, Grisham . . .)

So, the end result was sad, if predictable.

The afterlife will be enjoying some quality movies now, I can guess. While we are down here trying to digest "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

Sigh.

See, I'm not the only one who thinks so . . .

(Click on picture to get the evidence.)
To learn more about Jonathon Coulton, visit here.
Thanks to Shirtless for alerting me. If Mr. Cruise ever sues, I'll make sure that Shirtless goes down in flames with me.

Charleton Heston, RIP

I know that Moses returned to the great gun range in the sky this past weekend. I know that I am not being timely with this post, but, well, I guess I have no excuse.

But when someone this Hollywood famous dies, all eyes rightly turn to Mr. Cruise.

I admit that I didn't have a good explanation for why Tom would take out The Omega Man, but then Shirtless reminded me of a crucial point. Maybe Cruise wasn't the trigger man this time. Perhaps one of his Scientologist minions did it. This made some sense to me, especially when it was pointed out that there have persistent rumors that Will Smith was introduced to Scientology and might now be a Scientologist.

Think of it. Will (I Am Legend) Smith is one of the most respected names in Hollywood. Everybody loves him--even me. But, if he had fallen under the Scientology spell, then who knows? And given that Smith's most recent big time film was I Am Legend, which was a remake of Heston's Omega Man, then things begin to mesh in what you could call a convincing way . . . but maybe not, since it turns out that Smith is trying his best to say he is NOT a Scientologist.

So, what to believe, right? I mean, for every post or website saying that Smith is a Scientologist, you'll find another saying he's NOT a Scientologist. The Internets are not for trusting, I guess. Look at me after all. Periodically, my straight laced and all true blog is infected with the Tom Cruise insanity.

And if you can't always trust me, then obviously, you can't trust anybody.

But, if you use this as an excuse NOT to accept that big Hollywood film . . . well, I won't blame you. Besides, anything might trigger Cruise.